COVID-19 conspiracy is harder than it looks — time for me to come clean on my role in it

Let me start with an apology if you’re having trouble hearing me. It’s just that I’m typing this aboard my yacht and, between the rustling of the wind in my hair and the sound of hired help mixing a round of mai tais, it’s positively deafening. The yacht’s 12 metres (not that you asked but I could see you wondering). It’s nice, I guess, but I do wish Pfizer had chipped in a bit more so I could go 24m-plus. I was skeptical when first approached to be part of the mainstream media COVID-19 conspiracy but, I’ve got to say, the spoils have been top notch. That was way back in late 2019 when the global elite were still brainstorming names for what to even call this thing. (Can you believe Bill Gates wanted to go with Flu 2.0? What a nerd.) When the Big Pharma execs came to wine and dine me I told them: Guys, I have to be honest, as much as I love the idea of being part of a global conspiracy, I’m skeptical we can pull it off. With eight billion people in the world and global connections that allow us to communicate like never before, it feels like someone is going to talk. Plus, if we’re speaking plainly here, I think people are going to notice the microchips. There, I said it. Not to mention: as a human being with friends and family — and a career I got into partly to make a difference — I’m not 100 per cent comfortable with lying to everyone just for the sake of those sweet Big Pharma kickbacks. The gold-plated Rolexes that arrived then alleviated some of my concerns. But not all. At some point in the wining and dining process I felt like I had to mention the elephant in the room, by which I mean the wide-scale murder in which we were going to have to engage in, in order to pull this thing off. I mean, if COVID is a hoax to scare people into taking this microchip vaccine that will allow us to control their thoughts/turn them into 5G receptors/render the human race infertile, then we’re going to have to murder a lot of people to make it look like the virus is potentially quite dangerous. Did I then realise that the murders — passed off as COVID deaths — would top 6 million by 2022? Obviously not, or I would have asked for two Rolexes, you know what I mean? It was so great that the Australian people really fell for the whole “take this free medicine that might save your life” nonsense so quickly because it means the murders have been kept to an absolute minimum — like barely double digits in WA, which is a real conscience easer. I’d hate to be in a place where vaccine skepticism is so high the conspiracy has to murder, say, 71,000 people in Florida just to convince people this thing is not the flu. Yikes. The biggest hurdle was definitely convincing the world’s scientific and medical community to join the conspiracy. These are people who have dedicated their lives to science, research and saving people’s lives. Turns out doctors don’t treat the Hippocratic Oath like Vladimir Putin treats international law, stuffing it out of sight down the back of the couch when it’s convenient to do so. To convince the world that COVID is real and of serious health concern we knew we were going to need a mountain of scientific evidence and those guys were not playing ball. When Elon Musk proposed simply replacing the world’s top doctors and scientists with artificially intelligent robots I was doubtful. But ultimately it was easier to pull that off than it was to convince science’s leading minds to alter facts, skew studies and deliver advice that they knew to be wrong. The AI bots are doing brilliant work producing research that will, surely, convince any right-thinking mind that COVID is serious business and that the microchips, sorry vaccines, are safe and doing what they are supposed to. Just this week a US study published in The Lancet found 92 per cent of side-effects after the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines were mild. And in WA, data showed nearly half of all COVID hospitalisations were unvaccinated, despite them representing just 2 per cent of the population. Hey, it almost had me convinced. And I’m part of the conspiracy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late to meet a friend and fellow media conspirer. His yacht is 50m, which is, frankly, depressing. But he was part of the 1969 “moon landing” conspiracy and apparently it’s getting harder and harder to make a buck at this game.

COVID-19 conspiracy is harder than it looks — time for me to come clean on my role in it

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