There is a guy on the internet named Dustin Poynter AKA the Red Flag Guy who responds to videos of couples interacting.

If there is something troubling about the interaction, like say, a groom who thinks it’s hilarious to drop his bride into a pool while they’re getting wedding photos, he runs around in a park with a giant red flag. If there’s something genuinely delightful about the interaction, like one partner is showing genuine love, concern or support for the other, he cavorts with a green flag. He has 3.5 million followers, so he must be doing something right.

Anyway, I would like that guy to be on standby today for Mother’s Day. Because I have heard too many men (and yes, not all men *insert eye-roll here*) say, with regard to their wives and partners “she’s not my mum”, insinuating that there is no expectation that they should recognise the MOTHER OF THEIR CHILDREN ON MOTHER’S DAY.

Whenever I hear a man utter that sentence, please know that in my mind I am waving a red flag like a demented matador.

So guys, draw closer. I need to tell you something. It’s one day a year. All you have to do is make a bit of a fuss of the woman who carried your children for nine months, and who bears the mental load of raising them.

And if you think you do a bit too, then ask yourself the following questions: who organised the kids’ birthday parties; what are their teachers’ names; and what did you get your mum for Christmas. If you don’t know the answer to any of those questions, that’s because you’re not bearing the mental load.

And it’s worth noting that most mums don’t even want that much effort on Mother’s Day. They just want the slightest modicum of indulgence. The teeniest hint that you acknowledge their significant role in your family’s life. A brief glimmer of not having any responsibilities for one solitary day.

I get it though. There’s a cost-of-living crisis. All the shops have been spruiking expensive gift ideas ahead of the big day. Not everyone can afford diamond jewellery or a surprise trip to Paris. So I’m here to help you with some last-minute, cost effective ideas of how to treat the mother of your children today.

But first, I need to have a crack at you for leaving it until the last minute. How did you not know that Mother’s Day was approaching? Have you not noticed endless adverts for nighties and dressing gowns and slippers? Have you been oblivious to every cafe and restaurant having “Book Now for Mother’s Day” flyers on the table? Have you not noticed your wife subtly asking: “Do we have any plans this Sunday?”

Alas, here we are.

If you find yourself in the position of not having prepared for this moment, here’s what you could do. Firstly, do a coffee run. I assume you know how she likes her coffee (or hot drink of her choosing). Surprise her with a takeaway of the good stuff. While you’re there, pick up a flaky croissant or cinnamon scroll or other tasty treat. Hopefully you know if she prefers sweet or savoury (if not, why the hell not? What do you even talk about?).

Now get the kids to serve it to her while she relaxes somewhere — in bed, on the couch, or lying on the back lawn. This is also the perfect time for the kids to hand over those presents that they either made at school or bought at the school Mother’s Day stall, with the money that your beloved wife gave them. Ah, surprises.

But why can’t you just let the kids make breakfast for her, I hear you ask? Because this causes her too much anxiety. Will the kitchen catch fire? Will she be the one who is going to have to clean up after it all? Will the handle of her favourite cup be snapped off? There are too many variables. Buy the croissant.

If you’ve managed to pull that off, and she’s feeling spoiled, you’ve done well. But don’t rest there. Is there another way you could show her your love and appreciation? Can you and the kids wash her car? Could you take them to Auskick and give her a day off? Could you finally hang that picture in the hallway or stop the bathroom door from squeaking? Could you, in any way, make her mental load a tiny bit lighter, even if only for a day?

And while you’re busying yourself with that, I’ll get my green flag ready to fly.