Home and Away review: Dean takes a leaf out of crazy Jas’ book and kidnaps Jai

I’m really disappointed that we go a whole three episodes without seeing Angelo’s James Bond-esque spy necklace in action but tonight we bear witness to something almost as good — another kidnapping!

But first, Marilyn breaks the news to Ari that his nephew Nikau — who lives in the same house — might be moving back to NZ to live with his mum, Gemma.

He immediately leaves a voicemail for Nikau who doesn’t get any camera time, and as Ari puts it so eloquently, “why the hell am I the last person to hear about it”.

Dean and Ari briefly bond over their misfortune by saying hardly anything but they’re suddenly best mates and have a tiny beer together at Salt. But the beer doesn’t even happen because of all the drama.

Of course it’s still the same debacle over Jai’s custody which I’m well and truly sick of hearing, but at least this time round, most of the town is involved — well that’s a slight exaggeration but Dean and Amber obviously plus John, Mac, Willow and Amber’s mum Franny.

Dean expresses his frustrations about the custody laws by furrowing his brow at his laptop.

Meanwhile Amber riles everyone up with her rage and Franny also gets in on it.

Dean decides to offer Amber a truce.

He has just one condition, they get a formal agreement made up which I’m very keen on so we can put this storyline to rest.

But because Amber’s character is the most disagreeable person in the world, she escalates things with a scriptwriters go-to — a threat.

“Then I guess I’ll see you in court,” Amber says to Dean.

Then an ominous envelope shows up at Dean’s door with a sticky note saying “you won’t win”.

It looks like a mug shot.

The threat riles Dean up and he gets in the car and speeds off to Amber’s house to find little Jai breaking my cold heart sitting all by himself on the front porch.

And not even inside the house, literally in the front yard.

Granny of the year, Franny, was supposed to be on babysitting duties but it hardly comes as a shock that she prioritised blackmailing Dean — with whom she has a vendetta because Dean was in the car with her son, also called Jai, when he died — for alive grandchild Jai.

Dean bundles Jai up in the car.

Some time goes by and no one has seen or heard from Dean and I’m so hoping he’s visiting his mum Karen and she can tell him to pull it together and get a paternity test.

Dean pulls up to the house which looks exactly like the house Jai was sitting out the front of — just from a different angle.

Jai asks, “where are we?” to confirm that it is indeed a different house.

To my dismay, Karen is nowhere to be found but as they settle into this stranger’s house — that is apparently an old mate from the Mangrove River days — it seems Dean has taken a leaf out of crazy Jasmine’s playbook and kidnaps Jai.

Dean unfortunately was not born with the gift of foresight and can’t see how kidnapping a child you don’t have custody of is a terrible idea.

The child snatching is briefly interrupted by Ari and Mac who are quite happy despite their recent stage five clinger-induced breakup.

But it soon turns to talk of Tane’s dodgy doings.

Ziggy — his new boss at the garage — corroborates his story about picking up some “parts” in the city. She says it very very suspiciously but Ari and Mac ignore the massive hint.

After what feels like several days since Tane left, he calls Ziggy.

She has a stern word with him, as she should, and tells him to get rid of the stolen van filled with stolen goods. But there’s far too much noise and what sounds like smashing plates on his end for him to take instruction.

I somehow find it unlikely that Tane is a guest at a Greek wedding.

Ziggy receives a call from Dean, her recent ex, who understandably wants a heart to hear.

He tells her he’s figured out some stuff and it sounds like he’s going to do the whole I miss you so much and stuffed up and you’re the best thing to happy to me spiel. But as we know Ziggy has moved on swiftly and that conversation doesn’t happen.

It’s the following morning and Dean and Jai are still missing.

Willow and Colby are getting seriously concerned because hurricane Amber is threatening to get the police involved.

“My mum is going to find out soon, and as soon as she does she’s going to call the cops,” Amber says to Willow and Colby.

Colby gets into hero mode, ready to save the day but Willow steals his imaginary cape because someone by the name of Nugget knows where Dean and Jai are hiding out.

“The boys have come through again.”

At this point Willow gets tied up in another criminal matter — Ziggy’s stolen van matter.

Old mate Nugget is called upon once again because he too knows how to dispose of entire vans and Willow is just the gal for the job.

Apparently it’s simple, you “just switch out the plates”.

Ziggy and Willow take a few days off to dump this van at some faraway location.

Back to the kidnapping situation and Colby rocks up to the house where Dean and Jai are staying to find Dean is making plans for a new life cut off from everyone.

After yet another threat Colby coaxes Dean away from the strangers’ house and back to Summer Bay.

But while he’s been MIA, Amber has been stewing in her rage.

However Amber and John have actually struck up a friendship and it seems to calm Amber’s firey spirit slightly.

“My mum has started a war with Dean, my son is in the crossfire and I don’t know what to do about it,” Amber says to John.

Jai is reunited with raging Amber but tonight wouldn’t be complete without another altercation between Dean and Amber.

“I never want to see you again,” Amber screams at Dean who just stands there with a dumb look on his face because as mentioned before, he didn’t see this coming.

Colby on the other hand is pretty smug he got to play the good guy.

But Dean puts Colby and his smug face back in its place.

“I am never going to forgive you, not for Ross, not for Ziggy and not for today,” Dean says.

And as the extremely long episode comes to a close, the soppy music plays and Colby sits in the dark with his tiny beer contemplating his life which isn’t even half of what’s coming his way.